The Fiver | Goodbye, Mr Em | Simon Burnton
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THE MARK OF A GREAT STRIKER IS SCORING ONCE EVERY OTHER GAME; MR EM DIDN’T EVEN MANAGE A SHOT ON TARGET EVERY OTHER GAME
So farewell then, Emile Heskey, England international. We have seen the last of your lumbering runs, felt for the last time that bizarre combination of exhilaration and resignation which comes when you thunder clear on goal. We will wonder no more what the manager’s thinking when you start loitering with intent near the fourth official in the 68th minute, and never again hear the words “yes but his link play is world class” in heated post-match discussions down the pub that always draw in one bloke you’ve never met before who was walking past on his way to the bog and couldn’t help overhearing.
Consider yourself free, Emile. Free from the burden of our expectation. Free from long summers spent toiling through (the early stages of) major tournaments when every other footballer of your ability is quite rightly and deservedly enjoying a nice holiday. Free to resume a far more relaxing life on Aston Villa’s bench, blissfully protected from rain, snow and our attention.
We will recall with fondness the great 5-1 victory over Germany in 2001, in which you combined so well with Michael Owen and scored your third goal for your country, in only your 17th game. Who would have thought on that balmy night in Munich that 45 subsequent appearances over 10 years would bring just four more, against Denmark, South Africa, Slovakia and Kazakhstan?
Who could have imagined back then, as you terrorised opponents with your bulk, your youthful vigour and your habit of falling over with almost virtuosic ease, that all but two of your seven international goals would come in three- or four-goal victories, that you would muster only two decisive strikes in your entire international England career – and that those would come in friendlies against South Africa and Malta?
But it wasn’t about the goals with you, Emile. It never was. It was about all the work you put in off the ball. The work television cameras, obsessed as they are with following the ball, completely missed and which - as a result - all but a handful of us have not only already forgotten but never actually knew about in the first place. The kind of shift that made Tony Cottee, your partner in those glorious early days at Leicester, call you “the dream guy to play with”. And in many ways you were, Emile. The kind of guy who always managed to make the players around you look good, both intentionally and otherwise.
“I have enjoyed every moment of my England career,” Heskey said as he announced his international retirement today. And haven’t we all? Don’t answer that question.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Under no circumstances will Paul be sold or lent out abroad. He won’t be leaving Germany” - A spokesman for the Sea Life Centre Oberhausen rejects whispery rumours in the Spanish press that Paul the Octopus is off to Madrid in a big-money transfer. See, not every football star is entranced by the lure of the Spanish capital.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Brian Wealthall’s suggestion that Peter Taylor could always sign Junior Lewis now he is manager of Bradford (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Too late, Junior is on staff already.
“Re: ‘The Fiver has always been a firm believer in … the principal principle that says we are united in a brotherhood of basic virtues. Plus the additional principal principle …’ (yesterday’s Fiver). Content 10/10, Spelling 5/10 - see the Principal for punishment” - Eric Marsden.
“My principal reason for writing is to remind the Fiver of the important principle of knowing the difference between ‘principal’ and ‘principle’” - Jon Clarke.
“It was nice, but a little confusing, to see David Beckham ruling himself out of a position he was never going to be considered for yesterday. I wonder if I should do the same just for clarity? - Rich Newnham.
“Carl Lineberry’s speculation that the Sheilaroos are considering Sven. Not even on the radar down here. Doesn’t he know we only pay stupidly above the odds for Dutch coaches, not just any old Johnny Foreigner?” - Paul Jurdeczka.
“Sven is unlikely to earn a multi-million pound contract from the Socceroos since they are on the Australian dollar. They have declared independence, you know” - Christopher Smith.
“Re: Rob McEvoy and his three words ‘Ronald Koeman 1994′ (Fiver letters passim). While I understand his sentiment, strictly speaking it should be 1993. Add that point to one the Fiver picked up and arguably you have a pedantry double-play. Is this a first?” - Neil Harrow.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver now.
BITS AND BOBS
Emile Heskey isn’t the only global superstar who has hung up his international boots today - Thierry Henry has done one too.
Tempestuous £95,000-a-week striker Craig Bellamy, who turns 31 this week, has told he can leave by Manchester City. Any takers?
Wayne Rooney has defeated attempts by his former management firm Proactive to sue him for £4.3m for withholding commission on multi-million pound dealzzz.
And, when not busying himself building the kind of remarkable team spirit
which almost led to mutiny among England’s chancers at the World Cup,
David Beckham likes nothing more than to build Lego Taj Mahals. “It’s not a career, but I love it,” squeeked Beckham to, er, Lego.
STILL WANT MORE?
Answer an insultingly easy question and you could be on your way to see Arsenal doing battle with Milan and Celtic in the Emirates Cup.
Diego Maradona sings himself a love song and Pepe Reina acts like Weird Uncle Fiver on Spain’s flight home from South Africa in this week’s Classic YouTube.
After bullying South Africa’s government for the duration of the World Cup it’s surely time Fifa had a seat on the United Nations, writes Page 10 Stunnah Marina Hyde, but with cleverer words.
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Pepe’s party and Ronaldo gets angsty
This week’s round-up also features Cristiano Ronaldo’s babymammy drama, more great nutmegs and the action that is the domino world championships
1) Spain’s footballers: not just world champions, but erudite, elegant, studied, ascetic. That is, when they’re not gobbing on old men on the top of a bus like a gaggle of cider-drinking adolescents.
2) It’s Pepe Reina’s party plane. Watch as the world champions demonstrate what they’ve learned from decades of drunken English tour parties stumbling out of some beer-stained Boeing on the Alicante tarmac.
3) Ah, the drone of the vuvuzela. So evocative of long evenings spent watching shanked free kicks. And apparently even better made into a smoothie.
4) Never mind the players - at least England fans know how to lose to the Germans with dignity and good grace. Hmm. Maybe they’re, you know, being ironic. Maybe the bombers are a metaphor for something.
5) Cristiano Ronaldo may have gone home early, but at least he hasn’t lost his sense of humour when confronted by a sneery tabloid hack with a whiny, nagging voice. Death threats. It’s the only language they understand.
6) Tired of football? Already weary of golf? Here’s action from the domino world championships. Feisty stuff it is too. Thrilling even. And perhaps even better if we had any idea what was going on.
Our favourites from last week’s blog
1) Ultimate nutmeg, with Juan Mata.
2) Even more ultimate nutmeg, courtesy of Juan Riquelme.
3) Indoor nutmegs, by a man who appears to be called “Erotica Centre”.
4) A love song to Diego Maradona. By, erm, Diego Maradona.
5) Men in lycra fighting over a bike wrangle.
Spotters’ badges: Grauniadangst, AK47, Pavedats, Carperi, Slimon
Paul the octopus set for sensational transfer to Madrid aquarium
Spanish zoo prepared to meet ‘any demands’ to sign German cephalopod that predicted team’s World Cup final victory
In what may prove to be the biggest transfer story this summer, negotiations have begun to bring Paul the psychic octopus to Madrid after he correctly predicted Spain’s World Cup final victory.
Madrid’s Zoo Aquarium says it is prepared to trump any other offer Germany’s Oberhausen Sea Life Centre receives for Paul, certain that the world’s most famous cephalopod will attract thousands of visitors.
At present no cash is on the table, and the zoo says it is trying to negotiate an exchange of animals.
Sounding more like the president of Real Madrid than a zookeeper, a spokesman said he was confident that Paul would be in Madrid within a few days. Madrid was prepared to offer Oberhausen “whatever they demand” to complete the deal — suggesting that this will be a cash-plus-animal transfer.
He added that Paul, named after a German children’s book by Boy Lornsen, would be treated “with tender loving care” because of his national treasure status in Spain.
Paul correctly predicted the outcome of all seven of Germany’s World Cup matches, as well as the final between Spain and Holland. This was an improvement on his record for the 2008 Eurocopa, in which he correctly predicted four out of six of Germany’s games.
During the World Cup, Paul became a media phenomenon, with his final predictions screened live on television. He also became the world’s third most popular Twitter trend during the competition, out-doing both Shakira and Cristiano Ronaldo with 141 hours of trending.
A Brazilian company has developed an iPhone app based on Paul’s performance, allowing users to consult the octopus to help them make decisions. The Ask the Octopus app lets users ask 50-50 questions, to which a cartoon of Paul chooses an answer.
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